How to Deal with Colleagues You Cannot Stand

One of the challenges I encounter in my daily HR environment and as a leader is that team conflicts are inevitable. Employees—no matter the hierarchy—have a tendency to complain about others. Not necessarily only about individuals, but also about departments, organizational structures, or even the weather. There is always something external happening that negatively influences their mood and ability to work.

(I am aware that this might not be true for all cultures. My environment is Germany.)

Some don’t like their direct teammates. Others are openly annoyed by their supervisor. In some cases, this leads to open dissent; in many cases, however, the conflict is subtle or hidden. If one side approaches HR, the claim is usually: "They must change their behavior for the situation to improve."

As I believe there is never one single truth, there is also no side that is purely right or wrong. Ideally, both sides would talk openly. Since this doesn't always happen, we need a different perspective.

Why don’t we try to change our own perspective?

If we feel stuck, what can we do to feel better?

1. Radical Acceptance We can accept the situation. I mean really accept it, not just give up in frustration. Accepting means acknowledging that some things are not within our scope of control. We cannot force someone to become our ideal version of a human being. We can observe that this is just a phase and tell ourselves: "This is how it currently is, and I am okay with it, even if I wished it were different."

2. The Mirror Effect (The New Perspective) Sometimes, a different perspective means distancing ourselves from our ego. Often, the people who annoy us the most are a "mirror." We might be bothered by a trait in them because we don't allow that same trait in ourselves. If I am hyper-disciplined, I might "stand" a relaxed colleague much less. Ask yourself: What does my annoyance tell me about my own hidden rules?

3. The Energy ROI Is being "right" worth your energy? Think of your energy as a currency. Is proving a point to a difficult colleague worth a 20% drop in your daily productivity or your peace of mind? Probably not. If you let a situation go, it belongs to the past. If you hold onto it, you prolong the pain with your own energy.

4. Playing with Time What happens if we try to see ourselves in 20 years? Would we give the same meaning to today’s situation? Most "unbearable" colleagues are just footnotes in our careers. Why give them the main chapter of your current life?

5. Choosing to Leave We can leave the situation, being aware of all consequences. Knowing that we always have a choice helps us regain control and confidence.

Whatever works best for you, take a moment to reflect. Since we cannot force anyone to change according to our needs, let’s try to improve our lives with a mindshift.

Never forget: If we suffer, it does not matter whether we are right or wrong. It is important to find peace for ourselves.