The art of balanced conversations

This week I learned something new in communications which I would like to share with you. It’s always interesting when someone explains what we do in conversations. Either we weren’t aware at all or we did not know that it could be explained with such structure. I enjoy that as it helps me discover and understand life in its variety. 

So this is about conversations, and it is equally important in business and private life. 

Did you know that we are taking terms when exchanging with another person? And that there are supporting terms and shifting terms?

Let’s assume that our colleague or friend tells us about her vacation in Italy. 

We now have two options: we can be supporting or shifting.

Supporting means that we would for example ask her about what she did during her time in Italy. What kind of experiences she had. Or what she enjoyed the most.

Shifting would be, if we replied with, "I just got back from Costa Rica". So we would either digress from the original topic or talk about ourselves instead of staying with her.

Most people use shifting turns more often than supporting terms. But it is actually the supporting terms that bring us closer to each other and that build relationships.

According to Matt Abrahams (communication expert and Stanford lecturer), two thirds to three quarters of the conversation should be supporting and the rest shifting. 

Too much shifting signals that we don’t care. It’s a tendency of narcissists.

Too much supporting indicates that we don’t want to share openly about ourselves and that we are hiding something. 

Ideally, we want to have a nice blend of both. 

Maybe, in our next conversations, we will focus more on our current conversation style and practice to balance both terms.